Woots. It's the end of trials already. During the trials, I noticed something. When you have extra time during the new system's STPM, you must have no idea what to write at all, which means you wouldn't score well. Thanks to my class, I finally understood that if you want to score well, it's impossible to stop writing. Even without thinking, you might not have enough time to complete it.
When I was sitting for my exams, I really noticed how time really flies. Few years back I was only form 1, totally new to this school. Now, all of the teachers know me, through clubs, class, or even the things I've done. I'm kind of proud that MOST of the teachers remember me for my good stuffs =P
However, when it comes to studies. I always remembered how I never study and yet I always score an A for Science and Maths. They were my favourite. I remember I just have to pay attention in class and I always score really well. It's like natural talent. The more I grow, the harder the subjects get and somehow, even with my passion of science, I started to suck at it. Slowly one by one. I first gave the reason cause the teacher taught us in Malay but that wasn't it. I just don't understand it and I was too lazy to really read it. I was an ass.
Look at me now, studying for STPM aka A levels for other countries. I guess it's kinda crazy to say that I'm actually still in the first class despite of my noob studies. I'm kind of crazy to actually throw myself into the first class though I know I'm so gonna die for it. I mean like I was never the studious type and teachers are starting to slack off. Even if you're a genius, you'll never score well without studying or doing homework. Like seriously. Cause 'chers now are like asking you to read yourself more than them teaching. It's really crazy. Doing something I was never good in. Reading. I was always good in subjects cause I paid attention in class. It's the way I learn.
Since the trials had just passed, I always told myself and reminded myself. The battle had ended, but the war had just started. One month. One month. Four weeks. It's really all that I have. If I would mess this up, there goes my studies, scholarship and live. I mean I can really be who I am and just ignore the world. But I have a reputation to live up to. Cause of the club I joined, Interact. The uniform body I joined, Boys' Brigade. The uniform I'm wearing, light blue and white, which means I'm a librarian. But lastly, it's because of how I look and how I carry myself. I don't tend to score the crazy 4.0 CGPA, which means like straight As. Who are only like 4 students every year. However, I do hope I shall be one of the top students that would score at least 3.5 and above. Seriously, everybody that like knows me or sees me. Somehow they got the feeling I'm this banana-iish guy who like does very very well in their studies, or think of me as some geek or something. Unfortunately, I'm nothing close. I guess people just can't judge a book by it's cover. It's nothing close to their real personality at heart. I guess that's all I have for now. But YEA! ONE MORE MONTH!
WARNING: This Might Be The Strangest And Lamest Being Ever!
Saturday 29 September 2012
Tuesday 18 September 2012
Friends
Friends. This word just seem so pathetic some times now don't they? Friends can mean so much things. On the other hand, it can actually mean nothing.
Friends are ranged out from stupid assholes to super close and awesome buddies to humans.
Alright. Let me ask this. What are friends to you guys?
I bet most of you would say they're just people we know and hang out with for fun and so on. That some times you help each other. That's kind of all.
Want to know what does friends mean to me?
Friends mean everything to me. They are just like the air to me. No matter how rotten or bad the air smell some times. I've to choke it down. I couldn't just abandon it just like we need air. To be precise, oxygen. When we inhale, sometimes we don't intend to inhale the other gasses, but we're forced to. Just like friends to me. I don't really wish to have and know so many friends. Not that I'm showing off but a lot of juniors would know me. A lot of outsiders would also know me. However, none of them really knows me and accepts me for who I am. I'm just this pathetic and boring guy. Yet nobody really accepts me.
It's really sad to be me.
Last time, when I was 12, I told myself :" Friends matter more than my family. They provided me much more love than my family could." How dumb and naive I am. They do but I forgotten. Not all of them would do so. Yet I'm such a pathetic dumb ass to be hoping such things. Me helping others all the time is a normal thing and seriously everything is like I'm always giving part of myself for people yet nobody's actually giving back to me at all. I don't really ask for something back but what the fuck is with the attitudes? Even last time you guys weren't like this. The more I know you, the worse all of you guys get. The fuck is wrong with all of you? I'm just a nice guy which is nice to bully. This I get but aren't you guys the freaking fucktards to be protecting me all the time last time? Just because of some girls now, all of you are acting like faggots freaking bullying and torturing me.
Friends in the net. They were the best friends I ever had. They all understood me. They were all kind and nice to me so unlike my real life friends. They might be weird or whatsoever in real life. I don't care. At least they accept me for who I am. I feel just like a shadow from Persona 4. Asking people:" Why won't you accept me?" But instead of asking the real self, I'm asking all of my friends. How pathetic I am. There is also this net friend who I thought would be cool if he suddenly transferred to my school. I met him from MapleSEA originally. At first, I sacrificed sitting with my best friend just to sit with him. This is when everything falls apart.
The part when I started sacrificing myself for him. Sitting with him, trying to teach him and so on. Now I'm the one being left out. Trying to ask them for help and they give me reasons. At least now I know I should really rely on myself now. There is nobody out there that I could actually rely on. Everybody is just like showing a mask. Playing around in life. Playing people's feeling, happiness, time and mind. I lost everything.
I really wanna say that form 6.... Form 6 was really the shittiest idea I have chosen after all of them came. I know I would have no friends except for the few. But even the few changed and became assholes to me. Nothing seems good to me anymore. Life in school is just like a life to be screwed. Therefore, I shall conclude here that I shall not treat them with anymore kindness. Being cool and quiet like how most people USED to know me. This is part of me that was very sad when I was with my friends.
See ya happy me, welcome non-smiling me. Hopefully you can handle studies and responsibilities much better than the happy me.
Friends are ranged out from stupid assholes to super close and awesome buddies to humans.
Alright. Let me ask this. What are friends to you guys?
I bet most of you would say they're just people we know and hang out with for fun and so on. That some times you help each other. That's kind of all.
Want to know what does friends mean to me?
Friends mean everything to me. They are just like the air to me. No matter how rotten or bad the air smell some times. I've to choke it down. I couldn't just abandon it just like we need air. To be precise, oxygen. When we inhale, sometimes we don't intend to inhale the other gasses, but we're forced to. Just like friends to me. I don't really wish to have and know so many friends. Not that I'm showing off but a lot of juniors would know me. A lot of outsiders would also know me. However, none of them really knows me and accepts me for who I am. I'm just this pathetic and boring guy. Yet nobody really accepts me.
It's really sad to be me.
Last time, when I was 12, I told myself :" Friends matter more than my family. They provided me much more love than my family could." How dumb and naive I am. They do but I forgotten. Not all of them would do so. Yet I'm such a pathetic dumb ass to be hoping such things. Me helping others all the time is a normal thing and seriously everything is like I'm always giving part of myself for people yet nobody's actually giving back to me at all. I don't really ask for something back but what the fuck is with the attitudes? Even last time you guys weren't like this. The more I know you, the worse all of you guys get. The fuck is wrong with all of you? I'm just a nice guy which is nice to bully. This I get but aren't you guys the freaking fucktards to be protecting me all the time last time? Just because of some girls now, all of you are acting like faggots freaking bullying and torturing me.
Friends in the net. They were the best friends I ever had. They all understood me. They were all kind and nice to me so unlike my real life friends. They might be weird or whatsoever in real life. I don't care. At least they accept me for who I am. I feel just like a shadow from Persona 4. Asking people:" Why won't you accept me?" But instead of asking the real self, I'm asking all of my friends. How pathetic I am. There is also this net friend who I thought would be cool if he suddenly transferred to my school. I met him from MapleSEA originally. At first, I sacrificed sitting with my best friend just to sit with him. This is when everything falls apart.
The part when I started sacrificing myself for him. Sitting with him, trying to teach him and so on. Now I'm the one being left out. Trying to ask them for help and they give me reasons. At least now I know I should really rely on myself now. There is nobody out there that I could actually rely on. Everybody is just like showing a mask. Playing around in life. Playing people's feeling, happiness, time and mind. I lost everything.
I really wanna say that form 6.... Form 6 was really the shittiest idea I have chosen after all of them came. I know I would have no friends except for the few. But even the few changed and became assholes to me. Nothing seems good to me anymore. Life in school is just like a life to be screwed. Therefore, I shall conclude here that I shall not treat them with anymore kindness. Being cool and quiet like how most people USED to know me. This is part of me that was very sad when I was with my friends.
See ya happy me, welcome non-smiling me. Hopefully you can handle studies and responsibilities much better than the happy me.
Monday 17 September 2012
Part of me.
Except for bad things =(
The other part of me who loves to help is also by changing people~
By changing people, I guess you don't really get anything. Practically nothing at all. But it only gives you the satisfaction. Satisfaction of helping a friend. Letting your friend become a super different person. Turning them into a completely nice person. Just like some of my friends. From an emo to a super happy person. From a super bad condition and situation, I guided them and helped them in every way to TRY to change them to a better and happier person. =) Letting their cries and frowns turn into a smile or a laugh! What I wanted was always to help people. Either by listening, suggesting or even advising. It's all a very good way to really help people. My life. I had never been good in anything.(Look at the blog, It's a mess!) Practically, even if I'm good in something, people don't notice it. Only some of my friends which I really DID help would notice it. Sides, I wouldn't ask anything back from them at all. They shouldn't even thank me at all. Just like:
All of them should know. That is just a duty as a real friend =]
You should actually thank God or destiny that you had just met me when I'm willing to help.
My job or task is far from done as I might not be able to help everyone.
In order to help people, he/she must first want to be helped. Without that, nothing can be changed.
I will always try my best to help all those that needs help. Unfortunately I don't see all the people that needs help all the time. Sometimes I don't know how to interact with the person as well so I didn't get to help. BUT I really hoped that I could help every single one of them. As a friend. As a human being on Earth. There is nothing wrong about helping one's own keen right?I just beg and hope and pray that everybody will be alright. Wishing that this world will someday turn into a life that could be even better than Heaven.
Monday 10 September 2012
Unappreciated
Life as a human is so hard some times. Especially when one has worked towards it real much.
Everything that I joined. Every single club or society or even boards. I promised them to give them my 110% of effort. Studies are another thing as I did not really asked myself to be in.
Things that I've joined so far:
I remember during the interview of the librarian board. They asked me: "What if BB meeting and BOSL clashes? Which meeting would you attend?" I answered immediatly saying that I would sort them out and would try my best to attend both if possible. If it MUST clash. Then I shall look into the piority. Then get the information of the other meeting next time.
That promise I made. I had definitely took it in my heart and fulfil it.
This Saturday, 8/9/2012, Cheng Liang, my best friend had been promoted to be a Sergeant!
Meaning he has the highest ranking of a boy! How crazy is that!
He also taught us a verse he remembers that is about Oath, Promises.
I do believe I've tried my best to fulfil my promise. Even those that I promised UNINTENTIONALLY.
However, isn't life unfair? I put in my best for all of it. Even the Interact Club, I attended all meetings, tried my best to raise funds, washing cars and so on~
Same goes to volleyball.
HOWEVER! Life is as sad as ever to me. In BB, I'm only a Private. The lowest rank among the boys. Of course everybody would like to be promoted. The reason I wanted to be promoted isn't because I want the power. I just wanted to RIGHTS. I just needed the rights to tell the young NCOs what should have been done and so on. Not doing it in their ways. I wanted to help out in so many ways I could if I am ever an NCO.
*FYI, NCO is a category for people with ranks. Example Lance Corporal,Corporal or even Sergeant.
I've told myself how I wanted to teach the boys how to do push ups properly. I thought of a way but never had a chance to carry it out cause I'm just a private.
In the Interact Club, I only got to be a Vice President because I told the ex-President that I might not be as active cause I wanted to concentrate on my studies. Guess what, shit happened. The president was Kelvin Chee for my year. Not that he's a bad person and so on. I thought it might be good since he could control them all to work with us. However, he just slacked off and left all the work with me. I'm like a pathetic ass cleaning up all the mess he left for me. Worst thing is when I want to carry out some activity. I have to get his permission and every time I suggest something. He wouldn't agree with me.
For volleyball, I know I suck in sports. I tried my best to attend all meeting. Trying to learn and play like the others do. Play like a pro. I guess I was just too delayed. So yea~ I just suck in it. However, I feel so unfair that some people don't attend meeting at all and don't even know if he's a member of the volleyball club, gets to join the school team and play for the school! It just. Made me so mad and sad.
Lastly, for BOSL. I've definitely put in my hardwork in this. I thought they had saw my potential in work last time. When I passed my probationary, I was awarded the best probate and also I got a post of Committee Leader of Additional Head of Organizing Committee (ADHOC). As time passes, I was only given stupid task like cleaning the air conditioners and fans. Somehow, they disbanded the committee and made a new committee. The Disciplinary and Fines Committee (DFC). He gave the Committee Leader post to a younger boy and told me he wanted to train them up. So I gave it like a gentleman and at least he gave me a Duty Leader role. Unfortunately, as time passes, I'm only now a member. Among the ex MBS students that came back to form 6, I'm the only one. Getting no post at all. I wanted bad for the Vice Chairman post as well. Choon Yung getting it, I was super happy for him.
But all of the clubs and boards I joined for form 6. I didn't even try to get any post. I was just. Talking like a freaking useless person because I know others wanted the post badly. I would just say my name and class. I didn't even elaborate ANYTHING! And it's all because my friends wanted a post. I just started giving up every thing. These clubs and society. They don't just mean like a normal thing to me. It means EVERYTHING to me. I was never good in studies. CCA was the only thing I can do right. But now... It's been taken away from me too. It's just so lifeless actually going to school now. I've no goals anymore. The only thing I can do right. It's gone. I just feel so.... lost. Everytime I think about it. I just feel like crying again and again. But no tears will come. Everything I've done. It's all.... unappreciated. All these works.
Everything that I joined. Every single club or society or even boards. I promised them to give them my 110% of effort. Studies are another thing as I did not really asked myself to be in.
Things that I've joined so far:
- Boys' Brigade (BB)
- Interact Club
- Volleyball
- Board of Students Librarians (BOSL)
I remember during the interview of the librarian board. They asked me: "What if BB meeting and BOSL clashes? Which meeting would you attend?" I answered immediatly saying that I would sort them out and would try my best to attend both if possible. If it MUST clash. Then I shall look into the piority. Then get the information of the other meeting next time.
That promise I made. I had definitely took it in my heart and fulfil it.
This Saturday, 8/9/2012, Cheng Liang, my best friend had been promoted to be a Sergeant!
Meaning he has the highest ranking of a boy! How crazy is that!
He also taught us a verse he remembers that is about Oath, Promises.
I do believe I've tried my best to fulfil my promise. Even those that I promised UNINTENTIONALLY.
However, isn't life unfair? I put in my best for all of it. Even the Interact Club, I attended all meetings, tried my best to raise funds, washing cars and so on~
Same goes to volleyball.
HOWEVER! Life is as sad as ever to me. In BB, I'm only a Private. The lowest rank among the boys. Of course everybody would like to be promoted. The reason I wanted to be promoted isn't because I want the power. I just wanted to RIGHTS. I just needed the rights to tell the young NCOs what should have been done and so on. Not doing it in their ways. I wanted to help out in so many ways I could if I am ever an NCO.
*FYI, NCO is a category for people with ranks. Example Lance Corporal,Corporal or even Sergeant.
I've told myself how I wanted to teach the boys how to do push ups properly. I thought of a way but never had a chance to carry it out cause I'm just a private.
In the Interact Club, I only got to be a Vice President because I told the ex-President that I might not be as active cause I wanted to concentrate on my studies. Guess what, shit happened. The president was Kelvin Chee for my year. Not that he's a bad person and so on. I thought it might be good since he could control them all to work with us. However, he just slacked off and left all the work with me. I'm like a pathetic ass cleaning up all the mess he left for me. Worst thing is when I want to carry out some activity. I have to get his permission and every time I suggest something. He wouldn't agree with me.
For volleyball, I know I suck in sports. I tried my best to attend all meeting. Trying to learn and play like the others do. Play like a pro. I guess I was just too delayed. So yea~ I just suck in it. However, I feel so unfair that some people don't attend meeting at all and don't even know if he's a member of the volleyball club, gets to join the school team and play for the school! It just. Made me so mad and sad.
Lastly, for BOSL. I've definitely put in my hardwork in this. I thought they had saw my potential in work last time. When I passed my probationary, I was awarded the best probate and also I got a post of Committee Leader of Additional Head of Organizing Committee (ADHOC). As time passes, I was only given stupid task like cleaning the air conditioners and fans. Somehow, they disbanded the committee and made a new committee. The Disciplinary and Fines Committee (DFC). He gave the Committee Leader post to a younger boy and told me he wanted to train them up. So I gave it like a gentleman and at least he gave me a Duty Leader role. Unfortunately, as time passes, I'm only now a member. Among the ex MBS students that came back to form 6, I'm the only one. Getting no post at all. I wanted bad for the Vice Chairman post as well. Choon Yung getting it, I was super happy for him.
But all of the clubs and boards I joined for form 6. I didn't even try to get any post. I was just. Talking like a freaking useless person because I know others wanted the post badly. I would just say my name and class. I didn't even elaborate ANYTHING! And it's all because my friends wanted a post. I just started giving up every thing. These clubs and society. They don't just mean like a normal thing to me. It means EVERYTHING to me. I was never good in studies. CCA was the only thing I can do right. But now... It's been taken away from me too. It's just so lifeless actually going to school now. I've no goals anymore. The only thing I can do right. It's gone. I just feel so.... lost. Everytime I think about it. I just feel like crying again and again. But no tears will come. Everything I've done. It's all.... unappreciated. All these works.
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